Drink And Be Merry

How it is made: Cola
The original recipe stems from Nazi-Terrorist squad HYDRA: Sugar is boiled until completely liquefied and supplemented with all sorts of herbicides and defoliants that weren't fit for chemical warfare any more, such as stale Agent Orange. The acrid mixture is then neutralized by strong bases until no long-term burn marks will result from brief contact. Finally, artificial sweeteners created my mad-scientists-flavourists and further synthetic aromatic substances, e.g. nicotine are added. This raw cola is then sent to the softdrink-corporations of the world that each add a single additional ingredient to uphold the illusion that it's not exactly the same as everybody else's.

How it is made: Carbonated Water
Somewhere in Indonesia, a tribe of swamp people has incarcerated one of the last mystical creatures of the planet: the fierce mineral ogre, a stupendously ugly monster whose fat, disgusting body consists of nothing but crystalline minerals. The clan keeps the mineral ogre in chains, feeding it nothing but limestone and magnesium. When a new shipload of carbonated water is ordered, the torturers of the tribe force-masturbate the ogre and collect the fluids it ejaculates and sweats from its crystalline butt. This keeps going on until the ogre is almost completely drained and close to dying, then his cruel captors force a lot of carbon dioxide into him and dip his behind into the collected fluids until in agony he lets out a mineral fart of pure CO2 that enriches his own former bodily fluids with the sparkly bubbles. This grotesque scenery is the only source of seltzer in the entire world.

How it is made: Tap Water
Fat old people take a shit and flush it down the toilet. The sludgy waste is liquefied until it completely mixes with the human wastes it transports. The toilet water then arrives at the big cleaning facilities that filter out solid objects that haven't yet liquefied, such as old underwear, dead fish, bones and screws. The rest is put into big tanks that are boiled in huge canisters and then left to cool off at open air basins where it mixes with the ashes of Hitler left over in the atmosphere. The water is then sent, through rusty pipes filled with insect cadavers, into the glass you put in the kitchen sink.

How it is made: Still Water
An ancient Tibetan monastery that only accepts the most noble-spirited scholars bestows the task onto the most worthy young man to travel to the sacred mountains of purity. The chosen one enters the holy chambers of pureness, hidden in the clefts of the cyclopean wilderness beyond human grasp. Having to pass the hundred tests of cleanness, he makes his way into the most concealed caverns of the world. Holding his breath to not spoil it's riches, the man fills a bucket made of frozen moonlight with the ethereal waters of the secret fountain of purity that no unworthy has ever beheld. He protects the sealed bucket with his life, guarding its innocence from the rotten influence of the world until the very last moment it touches the thirsty mouth of the just and righteous.


I have a special history with drinks. Until not particularly long ago, my entire fluid intake would consist of nothing but soda and sugary ice tea (I don't drink alcohol at all) and it had always been that way. In my increasing efforts at being less unhealthy, I decided to substitute a bunch of the soda consumption with something better, e.g. water. Due to my longterm relationship with fizzy drinks, I want straight for the carbonated water / sparkling water / seltzer. Distant memories of disgust were reconfirmed as I struggled with it for several weeks. When splitting my fluid intake into 50% seltzer and 50% cola, I would always struggle with the seltzer part. The mineral aftertaste is just plain terrible.
It wasn't until early this summer that I gave refrigerated still water a try. Since then, I have been drinking more in general and a large portion of that has been still (bottled) water like Nestle Aquarel. They probably mix in lots of steroids, mind control drugs and nanobots in it as well, but it doesn't ravage my body as much, including my teeth.

Abolish The Hug System Now

Trends come and go, but some things stick permanently. One of them might be female hugging. It appears to me that hugging has become increasingly popular in the late 00's and is at an all-time high. What I'm not referring to showing affection in private, but giving others a hug when meeting or departing, even in a public and/or business environment. The hug has developed into a common ritual with many women that have abandoned a polite, distant handshake and rather embrace another. Declining to hug a woman is considered rude and offensive, especially when others at the moment go with it.
It might just be because I have brain problems, but I detest this development. Maybe one doesn't want to cuddle with the gorilla woman one knows for 45 minutes on business terms, but being rude and insisting on the appropriate handshake will be taken as an offense and actually affect business. So the only thing to do is play along and deal with the clasp of the gorgon. I know it's a small problem to have and it's not exactly olympic wrestling, but it really bugs me when strangers invade my personal space, even when I clearly I signal that I don't want them to. And since it's such a small burden to suffer, nobody gives a rat's ass. Nobody will take action until men will start doing it too. And by then, it's too late.

I'd rather

On Drugs

There are drugs that aren't recreational and are just plain scary instead, for example Devil's Breath. And of course there are many hard drugs that have terrible effects on it's consumers, like Crocodile. Obviously, even soft drugs like nicotine or alcohol can damage people's health permanently.

Myself, I don't do any hard drugs, I don't smoke, I don't drink alcoholic beverages at all, I don't drink coffee. Not because of moral reasons but because I don't enjoy it. I'm even trying to lay off the soda and have plain bottled water instead. I therefore have to admit that I am not the most qualified person to make a statement in this regard. Anyhow.

I oppose forbidding drugs legally. I think that an adult should be allowed to consume any kind of substance he wants to in any amount he sees fit, whether it's water or cocaine. Of course it's bad for you, but so are many other things. If somebody forces himself into sleep withdrawal, he's not fit to drive a car as much as a guy under the influence of LSD. The legal implications and the consequences in terms of assurance coverage are already in place. As long as that person doesn't harm somebody else, he should be free to do to himself whatever he wants.

Nobody can stop you from drinking a bunch of poisonous chemical detergent. Nobody does that though, because you'd have to be pretty idiotic to do that. In my eyes, the same goes for drugs. It's your responsibility to keep yourself alive and healthy. Legalization of drugs doesn't mean you have to take them, it just means you won't be persecuted by the law because of it. If one damages himself with it, he has nobody to blame but himself. Although this may seem like an arrogant "let's weed out the weak"-sort of statement, if somebody ODs on a drug, it says something about that person's character, i.e. not being fit to make decisions for himself. I have little pity for people who expect empathy for their drug problems because their real issue is a flaw in character. Somebody with balance problems shouldn't walk a tightrope, somebody with addiction issues shouldn't start taking heroin. It really is as simple as that and everything else if just an excuse for lack of willpower. You always have a choice.

Right now, I could get up, leave the house, buy a pack of cigarettes around the corner and nobody has any right to stop me from doing so. If I want to buy a huge dildo to shove up my arse, I am free to purchase one. I might even produce both of these at home for myself if I knew how. Now if I were to do the same thing with mescaline, I'd be arrested. All of the above are recreational and only cause others harm when used inappropriately.
I will get neither of these three things because I don't have the desire to use them. But I generally enjoy having the possibility to do so very much. If I ruptured my intestines and die from internal bleeding because I've overdosed my dildo usage, it would be terribly embarrassing, but it's my own fault because I am an adult and therefore responsible for my actions. Same with any drug. When harm is inflicted on others, it's the responsibility of the legal system to stop me. If I want to ruin my body, they can't do jack shit, otherwise every McDonalds would have been closed by now.

In conclusion, I think that owning and using hard drugs should be permitted. Drugs contain their own punishment and people suffering from it deserve every bit of it because, again, they are responsible for their actions. Let them have it.

To See Or Not To See

I know this is usually something Kozure Okami would do but I've been watching an awful lot of films lately and felt like briefly summarizing what I thought of the most relevant of them.

Dark Star
The crew of a spaceship has to deal with a increasingly malfunctioning ship and having too much time on their hands.
Dark Star is terribly boring to watch at times. All of it is delivered completely dry so you're not really sure if you're supposed to laugh or not. Pretty much the only reason to watch it today would be the ridiculous portrayal the 70s painted of space travel. It's like 2001 smoked a few blunts too many, sat down on an old couch and waited for linear thoughts to return. Dark Star has been called "Waiting for Godot in Space", which seems appropriate to me. If you're not completely aware of this, you won't make it through the first 30 minutes.

Eraserhead
A miserable man has to deal with his detachment from society, dementia and his monstrously deformed illegitimate baby.
I'll receive a lot of hate for this but I'm still going to say that this movie is terrible. I say that not because it did not get it, but because it has no redeeming qualities. In terms of aesthetics it's obviously terrible, with the bleak visuals and sound. Of course that's part of its identity. There is not much of a plot, so there's no suspense that keeps you going. So the only thing that would make this film worthwile is its artistic content, and this is spread so thin throughout the length of the film that it just doesn't do it for me. The most logical interpretation I've read so far focuses on christian values and selfpity so that can go fuck itself as well.

Videodrome
The producer of a scandalous TV station gets hold of a secretly broadcasted snuff material that turns out to be more than just a show.
Videodrome starts off as a caricarture of violent and perverse television but soon developes into a way more surreal experience due to the halluciations involved in the story. It basks in a mixture of violence, sex and abstract horror to set the mood. While there is very little to be attached to, mostly because there are no sympathetic roles, it does develope some degree of fascination. Like Eraserhead though, I don't see it making a point. What it leaves behind is a gory gruel vision of mind distortion that doesn't really involve any long-term impression. Maybe today's audience is just used to this degree of abhorrence.

Four Lions
Four amateurish wannabe-terrorists prepare to bring their holy war onto britain with their hardest hurdle being is their own incompetence.
This was better than I expected because it's just the right amount of silly. It neither glorifies nor ridicules the subject, it's not sentimental or overly goofy but rather deals with it by throwing one normal person and a bunch of idiots at it and sees what they make of it. It was also a relief to see that they didn't shy back from being bitterly evil in many jokes without trying to be edgy at any time. The humor is consistent and works well throughout. It's a fun movie to watch without a single boring stretch. I'd definitely recommend watching it.

Rambo - First Blood
A mentally scarred war veteran returns home from Vietnam and starts a guerilla war against the abusive police.
No film series has embodied the archtype of a dumb action-flick like Rambo, but that's because of the second and third movie. Of course there isn't much of plot here and Stallone manages to show a total of three facial expressions, but there's a heart and soul to this film that few modern action films have. Beyond the guerilla warfare asskicking Rambo hands out, his background as a man trained in nothing but killing that's mentally stuck in the battlefield is portrayed on a much more intimate and believable way level than one would expect from a film with this reputation. First Blood is not only a must see because of the name but because of its sheer quality in many terms.

Hitman
Number 47 is sent to kill a russion policitian when he gets set up and now has to work against The Organization.
Although it doesn't go anywhere, it's not boring to watch because it wraps the sloppy story into fast cuts and silly action scenes. I expected a horrible film and was positively suprised - certainly it's completely predictable and dull, but it's a fun film to watch that never explicitly implies depth. It never acts as if it wanted to be taken seriously and is thus allowed to be a silly movie with lots of gunfights and explosions. It's a fastfood kind of movie, but an unexpectedly good one. It's basically like Gamer, but not as shit.

Cypher
Boring employee of a mega-company is sent out as an industrial spy to infiltrate their main competitor.
Cypher doesn't loose track of what it's trying to do, it just does too much of it. The imagery used to make a point is often very much over the top and the double-crossing that is of course involved in espionage scenarios gets completely out of hand by the end of the movie where it's a new reveal every few minutes which of course deminishes the effect. The story itself keeps not twisting, but flailing. That makes it a little exhausting to watch, although the pacing works well and it feeds the audience enough material to keep going at most times. Generally, Cypher could have been a way better movie if it wasn't trying so desperately hard.

Hesher
Homeless drunkard, bully and hellion moves into a kid's home and mixes up his family and view on the world.
I was very pleasently surprised to see that Hesher doesn't make a statement. It doesn't try to force a specific lesson down your throat. Like the protagonist, it just bursts into existence, stays for a while, demolishes some stuff and then leaves so you have to figure out the rest yourself. This may actually be the first movie with a child as the protagonist that I really liked (the film, not the child). Again, Joseph Gordon-Levitt can play absolutely everything you throw at him, making Hesher a character that the audience isn't explicitly supposed to like of dislike. It's like a force of nature, it's just there and you have to deal with it. Even Natalie Portman who usually has the emotional depth of a cardboard box does well in this, just as much as the other characters. Overall Hesher is a fantastic movie that I highly recommend.

Point Break
An undercover cop investigates a group of surfers that he suspects are really a gang of bankrobbers.
Young people would call it The Fast and the Furious with surfing. This leaves aside the fact that Point Break is both older and better. It just has a certain vibe to it, it is old fashioned in many ways and lives off its two big stars but manages to have a coolness to it that is impossible to ignore. It's a very simple film really, but draws you in somehow and sticks with you. Great flick.

Hackers
A bunch of cool teenage hackers gets blamed for blackmailing a large company and must prove their innocense.
This movie is so very over the top ridiculous and corny with it's now outdated depiction of hacker subculture, techno clubs, roller-skating and animated cyberspace sequences. The acting is terrible, the characters are crap and the main antagonist is a lush excuse for a villain. And still there's something about it that makes it so very charming. The whole movie has the 90s dripping out of every pore and is so convinced that it's cool that you can hardly disagree. It's a complete anachronism in this day and age, but that makes it even more of a jewel. It's not even any particular element, but the overall vibe it transmits that defines it.

Oldboy
A man who was held captive for fifteen years seeks revenge and the reason behind his imprisonment.
Except for old Kung-Fu movies like 36 chambers, I'm not fond of asian cinema at all. Oldboy has an impressive reputation despite some shortcomings for western audiences. It manages to blend together a great mixture of extreme violence, very simple human interaction and drama that stands out. There is no nobleness to it and it doesn't make its characters too cool either. The balance between action coolness and down to earth drama works out pretty well until the dramatic climax and reveal of the film. It may not blow you away, but it uses empathy very intelligently. One of the best eastern movies I've seen.

The Magician
A traveling magician and his crew have to convince the leading townspeople that they aren't charlatans.
In contrast to The Seventh Seal, whose main elements were the atmosphere and the thought behind it, Bergmann's The Magician appears as if it only tries to live off the mood it produces. And fails. Again, people will blame me for not getting it, but I don't see this film making a point. The protagonists triumph in the end is shallow and while the splendid premise of having mystery and science compete with each other, it fails to deliver any provoking thesis in the end. Clearly it plays on the reactions of the characters to the traveling magicians, but that's about the only aspect it plays well. I had expected something more thought provoking.